my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
