I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You pole danced in your parka.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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