The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
