You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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