i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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