It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
