why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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