i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
