ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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