smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
