there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
