i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
