A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
