Sry I called you an 8
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
