Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
