We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
