I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
