Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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