guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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