They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
