I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wish there were birth control emojis
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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