My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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