I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
