you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
