Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
