i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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