areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
