Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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