ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
