I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
