Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
