he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
