it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
