Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
