good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
