our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
