she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
