I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
