Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
