Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize