Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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