The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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