yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
