Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
