walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize