I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
