You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
