I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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