I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
