Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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