very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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