Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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