i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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