I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize