so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
