I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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